Bowman’s Story
Our Story
Where do you start with the hardest and most bittersweet story you will ever have to tell? The story of our beautiful baby boy that died, the longed for baby that we tried for nearly nine years to conceive. The story of the worst yet simultaneously the best day of our entire lives. The day we not only had to say goodbye to but also got to meet and hold our baby boy.
Bowman “Bo” was born at 9:05 pm on November 17, 2023 at Yale Hospital in New Haven, CT. He was 7lbs 14oz, 21.5” long, and had the most gorgeous head of red hair. I remember his beautifully shaped lips, button nose, chubby cheeks, big feet, strong hands, ears and chin like his dad’s, and eyes like mine. He was perfect in every way and all we could ever ask for. This is the story of Bowman’s life.
PREGNANCY
My pregnancy was seamless, uncomplicated and I loved being pregnant. Not at all like our journey to become pregnant. Josh and I struggled with infertility for 9 years. Each month we came closer to believing that becoming parents just was not in our future. We finally got that beautiful positive pregnancy test on March 6, 2023.
Bo’s due date was November 14, 2023. Every appointment we received perfect reports on Bo’s heart rate, growth, development and my health as well. At Bo’s 20 week anatomy ultrasound we recorded his heartbeat and then took a trip to Build A Bear to pick out the perfect teddy bear for Bo. This teddy bear’s name is Bo-Beary and contains a recording of Bo’s heartbeat inside him. Regrettably Bo will never get to cuddle and play with Bo-Beary but he is now our physical representation of Bo and the most special item I will ever own.
As Bo’s due date approached, my doctor and I agreed that I’d be induced for delivery at 39 weeks. At my 39 week appointment, my doctor sent my induction request over to Yale Hospital and I left believing I would be called in that evening for induction. Before I knew it, Bo’s due date was here and I still had not been contacted regarding a date for my induction. I went to my 40 week appointment and another induction request was sent to the hospital. I was informed the hospital was full and that was why I had not been called in yet so just to continue waiting for the phone call.
Wednesday November 15, one day after my due date, I noticed Bo’s movement had decreased. I went to the hospital for evaluation and the medical team performed a nonstress test and did an ultrasound. My doctor said he could “see” Bo moving on the ultrasound but I was still concerned because I was not feeling the movement that was being seen on ultrasound. I questioned how was I supposed to know if everything was okay if I wasn’t feeling Bo move. My doctor assured me everything look good and confirmed I was still on the induction list to be called in.
LABOR & DELIVERY
Friday, November 17, 2023, just 36 hours later, our lives were forever changed. I woke up at 3:30am with an intense feeling of dread. I knew immediately something was very wrong. I awoke Josh in a panic and we immediately got into the car and sped off to Yale Hospital. Upon arrival to Labor and Delivery, a nurse came to hook me up to the fetal monitor and tried to find Bo’s heartbeat. Two nurses and two doctors came in and tried to find Bo’s heartbeat with no success. Then the most dreaded words I will ever hear in my life were uttered… “I’m sorry, your baby has no heart beat.” Time stood still. Tears rolled down my face and I remember crawling, edging up the bed willing myself to wake up from this nightmare. I heard Josh sobbing and protest that they try to find his heartbeat again. I witnessed these events unfold as if I was observing from the outside looking in. The memory of this moment is forever engraved in my heart. I would’ve given my life for this to be a heartbreak my husband would never have to live through and for our baby boy to still be here with us.
We were moved to a labor room and the on-call doctor came in to express his condolences and to tell me that I would now be induced to deliver my baby. My mind immediately thought about the irony that they now suddenly had a room and capability for me to be induced. The doctor informed me I could get my epidural before starting my induction and that they would be starting an IV and the medication Pitocin shortly. I couldn’t process what he was saying. My mind simply kept replaying the past 36 hours as I had just been there worried about my baby.
My mom and dad arrived to the hospital and we sat all day in the labor room with our tears and in silence. Only interrupted whenever the doctor would come in and check my cervix or a hospital representative would come in to discuss funeral arrangements, cremation, burial, autopsy, and grief support services. It was all too much and overwhelming. Josh spent the day trying to find a funeral home and making decisions no parent should ever have to make. Before I knew it, I was 10 cm and fully dilated and we would begin pushing. I remember thinking to myself that I needed to remember every minute I was going to have holding my beautiful son in my arms. Because this was it. This is all I would ever have.
Three pushes and I delivered my son, Bowman Alexander at 9:05pm. There was a part of me still wishing and praying to hear a cry but there was no sound. No crying, screaming, or movement. But he was here, all 7lbs and 14oz of him. I watched the OB doctor release Bo’s umbilical cord wrapped multiple times around his neck. Finally he was placed on my chest and Josh got to cut the cord. Bowman was beautiful. He was perfect, our son. He felt so strong as I held him on my chest and in my arms, and in that moment, I was so proud. I had that indescribable feeling every mother talks about when their baby is born. It was the worst and best moment of my life. I was finally getting to see and hold my child. The child that I had so lovingly cared for and prepared for these last 9 months. He was breathtaking. That moment was unforgettable and filled with unconditional love. For a small moment I had forgotten the horrifying truth and lived in that moment of happiness of seeing my son for the first, and what would be my last time. It will forever be the most tragically beautiful moment of my entire life.
He was born dead. Stillborn. But I was still proud.
POSTPARTUM
We spent the next 6 hours holding, loving, admiring, and praying over Bo. My friend came to the hospital to take some professional photos of Bo as did one of the nurses on the floor. These pictures are one of my most cherished possessions. Looking back on these photos with my son and remembering how we were admiring everything about him, seeing the conflict of emotions all over our faces, getting to remember my parents holding their first grandchild, having our first time holding/kissing/touching our son memorialized is priceless. My memory might fade with time but these pictures and my written words will help ensure not all is ever forgotten.
Soon it was time to say goodbye. When a loved one dies, it's a loss for the future but you at least are comforted by the memories you made. When your baby dies, it's a loss of everything...the future, all your hopes and dreams, but also everything past. Maybe you have an ultrasound picture, but you don't have memories to hold on to and even looking back on your pregnancy and the happy times are tainted now. Eventually I hope to get to the point where I can look back on how happy we were while pregnant with Bo with fond memories and smile but that time has not yet come. I am proud of our son and that’s why I still and forever will share him with the world. If given the chance to do it all over again, knowing the outcome would be the same, I would do it again in a heartbeat. Because not knowing Bo will never be an option for me.
The days, weeks, months since Bo’s passing I have struggled with what I “should” be doing. I should have been up in the middle of the night for feedings, not because grief keeps me awake. I was supposed to be setting up his baby items, not writing an obituary or writing this bittersweet story. My body and heart was wanting to feed and care for a newborn but my brain knew there was no baby here to care for. I felt bad for my body and I felt bad for the woman I was, who had so much innocence, before this trauma wrecked her life.
We have had tests run and met with multiple doctors since Bo left this world and ultimately we will never know what exactly caused his passing. He was healthy, all the tests came back normal, there were never any signs or cause for concern throughout my pregnancy until the end when his movement decreased but we are left with a lot of “what ifs”. The truth is I will never receive answers to my questions in this lifetime. I only know that Bo’s life had a purpose, it was and is still meaningful, and I’ll always give thanks to God for bringing Bo to me. Our faith is strong and I knew that our Lord’s peace, comfort, and love is ultimately what will help us navigate the rest of our lives.
Yes, it is unsettling to think about the future nowadays; I am undoubtedly nervous about every holiday season, future Mother’s and Father’s Day, watching friends and family raise and make memories with their babies all while my baby and I’s time together will be forever frozen to November 17, 2023. It is the fact that Josh and I will never be able to take a complete family picture again. Even so, nothing can take our parenthood away from us. My husband and I may have left the hospital empty-handed, but he is still a father and I am still a mother.
Walk With You
Immediately after Bo’s passing we were grief-stricken and overwhelmed. We didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. We felt alone and lost with the tasks at hand. No one prepares you for having to bury your child, plan their funeral, design a headstone, and how to navigate moving forward with your life. We did not know anyone who had lost their child, and had no idea where to start in trying to connect with other families who knew what it felt like to experience child loss. One week after we said goodbye to Bo, I was up frantically searching the internet trying to find anyone that could help. I was desperate for support and guidance. I stumbled onto Walk With You’s Instagram page and read their bio that stated “we are a nonprofit that walks with families experiencing child loss”. I immediately submitted a request for more assistance and within 15 minutes, Kylie – the founder and executive director, texted me. I remember the joy and hope I felt upon receiving her text. The smile that appeared on my face and the tears that flowed streamed down my face when I read these words “Hi Blaire, I’m Kylie with Walk With You. I don’t normally reach out so late at night, but I cant help but think you are laying in bed unable to sleep and somehow stumbled upon our organization on social media. And I wanted to tell you, you are not alone. I see you. We’ve got you and tomorrow we can touch base so you can tell me all about sweet Bowman.”
Throughout the following months Josh and I received constant check ins regarding our grief, our well-being, as well as providing us with resources in our area such as counseling centers, support groups, retreats that could be of benefit to us. Walk With You provided us with funeral planning support and memorial ideas to ensure Bo’s funeral was not only perfect in his honor but also to ensure everyone who attended got to know all about Bo. Walk With You also encouraged us to find a photographer to document Bo’s funeral and they graciously took care of that cost. Bo’s funeral was a complete blur, but because of the memories we have in photo and video, we can now forever look upon and cherish the beauty and celebration of Bo’s life. Walk With You not only provided support for Josh and I but also conducted a Support System Equipping Session where they guided our family members on how to support us as we navigate the loss of our son.
What makes Walk With You different than any other organization I have reached out to throughout our grief journey is that they are an ongoing system of support. They truly care about our children, our well being, they understand the importance of keeping our children’s memory alive, and they provide constant support for months and years to come. I will never be able to put into words the impact Walk With You has had on our lives. I only know that I don’t believe we would be here today, sharing our son’s story, if it had not been for their support, guidance, encouragement and understanding of the immense loss that has shaken our lives.
The End
Josh and I are broken, and we have been forever changed. There is not a single day that we do not think of Bowman. And I know that we will grieve him for the rest of our lives. I did not just lose a baby. I lost a future. I will never know what his personality would be like, I’ll never hear his 1st words, I’ll never feel his arms wrapped around me, I’ll never watch him grow older, I’ll never hear him call me “mama”, I’ll never get to dance with him at his wedding. I will never stop thinking about him. But I also don’t want to because now I know what the greatest love there is feels like and I only learned this through grief. I know I’ll never understand why God chose Bo’s precious soul to be by His side so soon, but I find some comfort in knowing that the first face Bo saw was His. We know this pain will never go away but we are holding fast to His promise that this is not the end.
Bo will live in our hearts for the rest of our lives and he is now our little angel that watches over us and provides such fond memories to help us get through even the darkest of days. Bo was meant to be, if only for such a short time. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him; but instead I am deeply honored knowing that he spent his entire life with me. And until I meet Bowman again, I will continue to share and talk about this precious gift from God.
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” 1 Samuel 1:27
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