Xander’s Story
Several months ago, I anxiously waited for Blake to get home from work so that I could share the news that I couldn’t contain any longer- We were pregnant with our third baby who we prayed so heavily for! The squeals of excitement from Jaxon and Aspen filled the room, they finally got their wish for a new baby! The overwhelming joy and excitement filled within all of us- we rejoiced for another blessing and addition to our family.
Soon, we planned for a midwife and homebirth, and we met with Christina, who would walk us through our beautiful homebirth journey. We saw our baby on that black and white screen grow and grow and grow. We heard the most beautiful little heartbeat that would forever be stuck in our minds. Then came the day that we found out that the Lord blessed us with another baby BOY! We were so overwhelmed with excitement all over again, and we celebrated that day with all our family. Quickly after, we began to pick out the perfect name for our son. After weeks of deciding, we finally agreed on the perfect one- Xander Joe Davenport.
Our sweet Jaxon asked every single night without failure to pray for his little brother. He and Aspen asked us every day if it were time for him to be here yet- and everyday we would answer “not yet, remember he will be here right before Christmas”. Oh, what an incredible dream that was. We talked about how he would arrive, here in the comfort of our home. How we would snuggle his perfect little newborn body under the lit-up Christmas tree, and how Santa would even include gifts for our sweet Xander this year too! And so everyday without failure, we prayed for all of these things.
Little did we know then that the Lord would have other plans for our precious boy. It wasn’t until our anatomy scan that we found out Xander wasn’t growing quite as big as he should have been. Even upon hearing that news, we still heard his strong heartbeat and knew in our minds that he was healthy, he would just be a little bit smaller than usual, and that was okay. Every morning after I prayed “please Lord, I need this baby, let him grow and be strong and healthy, give him strength to endure, and give my body strength to get us through”.
A couple of weeks later, our worst nightmare eventually arrived. Xander’s little heart stopped beating. The process of miscarrying- which at this point, in technical terms meant actual labor and delivery of our stillborn baby boy- would then take place. Why, we asked? Why would you put it so heavily on our hearts Lord to have another baby, just to take him away? So many unanswered questions and enough tears to fill an ocean.
Hours turned into days, the delivery of our sweet Xander felt like it lasted longer than our children who had lived. It was physically painful, but nothing compared to the overwhelming emotional pain we experienced. I was consumed with desperation to see my baby, to be able to hold his perfect little body. Finally, that time came- we were able to hold our precious little one, who weighed only .7 pounds. He was perfect. With 10 tiny fingers and toes, sweet little eyes, ears, and nose. Everything you would ever imagine in your full-term baby- Xander was all of that and so much more. Together as a family we loved on him as long as we possibly could before saying “see you later”.
With sincere attempts to comfort, people reminded me that I had two beautiful children to be thankful for. I understood their well-intended words, but it still stung. They were right, but oh how I long for, and grieve for, that one- my Xander.
Suddenly, I better understood the parable of a Shepherd who has 99 sheep but does not- and cannot- lose sight of the one who is lost. Prior to losing a child, I appreciated the message, but at times wondered how we could leave the others. But while human thinking says, “Let it go we have 99”, the Father’s thinking is “There were 100, where is my one?”. Through this, I have learned the great importance of seeing the value of the one. Now, I have a better grasp of the tension. Our hearts can be so overwhelmed with love for the one, yet simultaneously broken for the loss of another. I can comprehend now how it could be true that God loves each one of us so fully that we could really be the ‘apple of his eye” even while he wholeheartedly aches for the one who is lost. It’s actually one of the best realities to the Christian faith and God himself. He is the God who values the one.
In the painful experience of losing our Xander, I had to make the most difficult decision to draw near to the Lord and trust him. Just as he chooses to step into our brokenness- to grieve alongside us, but to also redeem us, to lift us out of that pure devastation and draw us into safety and rest of his Holy hands.
Matthew 18:14 says “In the same way, it is not the will of your Father in heaven that one of these little ones perish”. This is how you and I ought to view our message of redemption. For every lost sheep introduced to his Shepherd, that is victory in this life and in the life to come. We will never know or fully understand here on earth why the Lord called our Xander home way too soon. And quite frankly, for awhile I was angry with him for doing so. But maybe, just maybe, God saw so much infinite value in the one, our Xander, that he called him to rest in his hands so that he would never experience any evil, neve endure any pain or suffering, and ultimately to help others find their salvation in Christ and have ultimate victory in their lives.
You see, this concept isn’t easy to comprehend, it’s actually the opposite. At times it can be gut wrenching to even think about how our precious boy is gone, without explanation. Although I want to cower down, I choose everyday to walk in faith, because the Lord is my strength. Because eventually, the heart stabbing pain and destruction that I am feeling will be replaced with acceptance and knowledge that because of my salvation, I will in fact see my baby boy again in heaven. That the sweetest voice I have never heard before will one day shout out “Mama!”. Afterall, this world is not my home.
Having faith means trusting plans, even when we don’t desire them. Even though we are sick to our stomachs- we must trust God to guide us through. Our hearts are suffering right now in the present, and that void will always be there, but there is a promise that one day we will greet our boy in the place where glorious happiness shall forever exist. We must trust that, until we meet again. How marvelous it is- for you, and for me- that our God sees such infinite value in the one.
To my sweet little love, I can’t wait until I see you again. To hold your perfect body, see your handsome face and hear your sweet voice- that will be the greatest day of my life. I had so many earthly dreams for you Xander. But don’t you worry my son, we will do all of those things one day. I will always be thinking of you, and I’ll always be missing a piece of my heart. I carried you every second of your life, Xander, and I will love you every second of mine… rest easy with Jesus my sweet boy.
Love always, mama.
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